I let you paint the first colors on my canvas
first color in my cheeks
Little did I know you had already smeared me with your fearful ashes
And little I continued to know while you stayed silent,
Letting me sink into love
With a coward.
So when your guilt came up and out your throat,
When you could no longer hold your smoke in,
My lungs rejected too.
I was deep, 1,000 leagues under the sea,
Miles deep in my love for you I gasped for air
And found only salt water.
Stung like my whole body was an open wound,
Tuned by your fingers, my strings broke
And as I choked for air kicking to dry land
Confused tears and eyes full of sand,
I simply could not understand how you held your breath for two years.
I guess I should have held mine, too.
Because now when I breathe there's a hitch,
Like the hitch before a sob, hitch an insult to my injury, the hitch you had thought so far ahead for,
But couldn't think ahead to the far shore of the next morning.
Mourning my pride, I go under the tide
Because still, I cling to your second hand smoke, as mine now does to me.
I choke when I breathe, my air pollution as much a symptom of self hatred as a grab for control.
The pain takes its toll, so I take a deep drag
Drag like the anchor, drag like the one you took when your conscious appeared, two years late.
Drag like dead body weight, like the drag back down to Hades because you had to look back, didn't you.
But you're the buoy I'm attached to, and I'm no good at goodbye,
So I light you back up like a refry
Because there's no nicorette for your love.
You ashed on my arteries and put your butt out on my heart,
But didn't tell me till the smoke cleared, must have feared my reaction.
But still I remain here, smeared and ashen.